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Does God love everyone? Yep. “For God so loved the world…” Does that mean everyone in it is loveable? Tee hee hee. Welcome to the Practical Surviving Training for Christian fellowship.

Over the years, I have met people across the theological spectrum who nevertheless still love and produce the same sorts of fruit of the Spirit as those who disagreed with their particular, and often peculiar, doctrinal positions. While sound doctrine is important, so is having a sound mind. Speaking of, I have also met people who span the other critical spectrum, that of emotional health.

How does one say in Christian love that there are genuine nuts out there to be avoided? When I was growing up, my mom used to always tell me, “Lock your doors. They are out there.” After living a while, especially as a visible figure in the Christian community, I have finally figured out who They are.

At the risk of offending anyone and everyone, I present this survey as a gift to local churches to include with their visitor cards and offering envelopes. Simply have visitors fill this out and it may well preemptively save you years of grief, false accusation, lawsuits, and church splits.

Combining the many years of our ministry experience together, my good friends the Right Reverend Leaven, Deacon B. Freakin, and I have put together our…

Potential Church Membership Questionnaire

What animal should our church adopt as a mascot? Or better, which do you feel more comfortable handling?

1. Lambs

2. Snakes

How often have you been kidnapped by aliens?

At the siege of the Davidian compound in Waco, Tx, if anyone, who were you cheering for?

How many churches have you attended in the past 5 years?

How many churches have you been asked to leave in the past 5 years?

How many of your former pastors were deceivers, antichrist, and of the devil?

1. None

2. A few

3. All

How many pastoral stonings have you attended? Initiated?

How many different people has God told you to marry in the past 3 years?

Are you one of the two witnesses described in the Book of Revelation?

Has your neighbor’s German shepherd ever been used as a ‘prophetic vehicle’ to deliver messages from God to you?

Which statement would you say most characterizes your Christian life?

1. Sharing the Gospel of Christ with the lost

2. Looking for Jesuit and or alien invasion conspiracies

How many people have you won to Christ in the past 5 years? How many have you driven away?

What is the gift of discernment?

1. The spiritual gift to see what is really of God and what is not

2. The ability to see every individual sin of everyone in your church

If you were a judge, what would your nickname most likely be?

1. The Merciful One

2. The Hanging Judge

Do you ever have fantasies about burning people at the stake?

Have you ever drooled at the thought of punching someone out during communion?

When someone bombs an abortion clinic, do you:

1. Weep for the dead?

2. Show up to roast weenies and marshmallows in the flames?

Which most describes your service to God?

1. Servant

2. AWOL

3. Hit Man

When you hear the word ‘deliverance’ what do immediately think of?

1. An old movie

2. The sermon is finally ending!

When someone tries to correct you, do you?

1. Listen patiently and pray about the matter

2. Turn your ‘gift of discernment’ on so you can retort with a comprehensive list of their sins and shortcomings when they finally shut up

3. Say nothing as you reach for your handy sling and stone

What quality do you look for most in spiritual leaders?

1. Shepherd who leads by example

2. Personal guru who is there to solve ALL of your personal problems, especially at 2 a.m.

When you leave a church meeting, do people

1. Weep tearful goodbyes

2. Sigh in relief

3. Cheer and break forth in songs of deliverance?

Please sign this document and place it in the offering basket. We’ll be in touch shortly. Or not.

Bryan Hupperts © 2003 - 2008

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