Editorial:
Dr. Fulabul Shyster
Dear Religion Editor,
I am Dr. Fulabul Shyster, head of the research division of Advanced Psycho Enterprises, a.k.a., APE, a modern secret government department that I order you to have never heard of. Think of us as Psy Cops.
Based on super-secret Executive Order number 666, I order you to cease and desist your so-called religious publication at once. The “God Delusion” is part of humanity’s problem, not the solution.
We have pills for you, beautiful pills, pills of every shape and color. Powerful pills that can reshape your mind, lift your spirits, lower you spirits, and connect you with a god of our making. Really, can’t we all just hit a bong?
If it’s faith you seek, we can alter your brain chemistry to think you’re flying. Anger issues? Pop a pill and finally gain that elusive peace that passes understanding (but doesn’t pass a drug screening test – sorry).
Thanks to breakthroughs in pharmacology, we no longer need priests, pastors or rabbis. Why? WE HAVE PILLS!
Need a thrill? Take a pill. Need fellowship but find you are lacking in social skills? You can become one with the universe. Take a pill. Why confess your sins when we have pills that relieve guilt?
Don’t be leery of this next step in human evolution. For humanity to survive, we need a one-world religion. No more dogma or creed. With a merger of technology and pharmacology, we are creating a new world order. Your services are no longer needed.
The new messiah is coming and we’re working to ready humanity for his arrival. No more priests, pastors or rabbis are needed. We have pills to guide us to the truth.
Sincerely,
Dr. Fulabul Shyster
Modern A.P.E.
P.S. Enjoy the new “chemical purifiers” in your water supply.
Bryan Hupperts © 2008
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