If
They smile in your face...
What would Jesus do today if he had a daily TV ministry show? Does modern Christian TV programming line up with the blueprint called the Bible?
I can see the lights coming up, the fanfare of the music swelling, the crowds roaring and jumping to their feet, as the announcer proclaims, “Some call him a rebel, some a prophet. What about you? Who do you say he is? Let’s find out because here he comes, here comes the Son of God. Heeeeerrrreeeeessss… Jesus!”
And in the lone spotlight, nothing.
The stage manager freaks out and begins to quietly scream into his radio headset. Find the Master. Find him NOW! They sigh, knowing where he is; in the prayer closet. AGAIN.
A nervous stagehand, a college intern named Andrew, bolts to the Master’s dressing room. It’s the one with the star on the door with an arrow attached to a map that reads, “Bethlehem this way.” He quietly knocks on Jesus’ prayer closet door and a few moments later, Jesus emerges.
“Umm, sorry, Lord but you missed your queue. We’re live!”
Jesus laughs and responds, “My Father was speaking. Who was I going to make wait, them or Him? Besides, I only do what I see Him doing and now I know today’s agenda. Pass it on to the Program Director to scrap the script - again.”
Andrew’s eyes widen. “He, he’ll get mad at me and tell me to kiss off.” And Jesus chuckles, “Well, he’s gotta love me, right? It’ll be OK.” Jesus’ eyes flash with merriment.
Andrew gasps wondering, “Did the Messiah just… wink at me?” Jesus follows him back to the stage and emerges as the crowd goes nuts. He smiles and launches into his monologue unapologetically, saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted…”
He teaches a while and then calls for lunch. Need a caterer? Not when the Boss is around. Someone produces a Big Mac and hands it downstage. Jesus receives the burger and looks up. “McDonalds… again? What is this fixation with these Big Macs? Is this perverse vengeance for that 40 years of manna thing? I could really use a break today.” He looks around hopefully, “No Red Lobster?” He just shakes his head, then looks up and begins to worship the Father, giving heartfelt thanks anyway and then he begins to break the Big Mac.
It keeps multiplying! Whatever is in the secret sauce must be some secret! Wow! A provisional miracle. This one will be great for the Christmas tape the PD puts together to highlight the best of the season.
After the French fry-less love feast and a note written for the backstage crew, “Bring fish for lunch tomorrow,” Jesus turns to the audience. “OK, it’s offering time. Who came to give? Stand up please.”
Many stand. Jesus then points to those who are not standing and says, “Whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? Give it to them. No, this ministry will not tank if you don’t give to me. Who are we, the Blasphmey Network? If the Father is not my source and strength, then it is time to leave the air anyway.” And the audience gives one to another until all present pressing needs are met. There is joy in the camp!
Jesus has 11 stagehands that scurry about picking up extra Big Macs, helping the lame to the front of the stage, all wearing their nametags with the curious title of Busboys (literally the meaning of servant). The PD was a stagehand too, but he didn’t like to think of himself that way. He gave himself the title of Program Director. He was thinking, “Jesus and the Busboys; great name for a band. We’ll have to do a CD. At least we’ll have some backup revenue in case of a rainy day.”
The PD, a likeable guy named Judas, took copious notes of ways to improve the ministry, to set the schedule which Jesus ignored anyway, and schemed till the cows crowed dreaming up ways to generate ministry income.
While the show was a monster hit, Judas began to think that perhaps it was time he got a new star. He liked Jesus, really. Nothing personal. It’s that Jesus was… unreliable. He missed queues, he upset the local ministerial association - Jesus called them the Ministerial Assassination - so many times with his totally un-PC commentaries that there was open talk of canceling the program, and putting a hit out on Jesus – for the good of the church. And what would Judas do without a job? Go hang himself?
And Judas was thinking the impossible. He could get rich off the residuals of re-runs forever on cable and syndication not to mention the Book publishing rights. The season was nearly ending anyway and the Board of Religious Directors wanted Jesus gone. Judas consoled himself with the knowledge that they had a good 3-year run. How to end the show on a ratings high, a full 100 percent market share? It has never been done, even by the Son of God.
And in the cold calculating light of his office television, Judas had an epiphany. The stark answer was staring him in the face. There was a price on Jesus’ head, right? For a percentage of the take, he would have Jesus assassinated on live TV…
Bryan Hupperts © 2003 – 2008.
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