Lip-Synching
The Blasphmey Network’s favorite preacher Brother Pumpkin Head got busted for lip-synching to an old Jimmy Swaggert sermon.
“There was a power hiccup at the studio and the recording went dead. Like a bad kung fu movie, Pumpkin’ lips just kept moving.” wrote one irate audience member. “Why would he do that?”
A spokesmen for the famed evangelist said Brother Pumpkin expressed regret for his actions. Still, Pumpkin claims he was trying to do something that hasn’t been done on The Blasphemy Network in years: actually preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Said a remorseful Pumpkin, “It’s all Your Best Life Now and Health, Wealth & Success; whatever happened to repenting from sin and embracing the cross of Christ? All I preached was SCAM! (Success Comes After Me!) Honestly, I had forgotten most of the Bible except the twenty or so verses on getting filthy, stinking rich. Even those were twisted out of context. I lip-synched to an old Swaggert recording from his heyday to try and help me remember what the Gospel was about.”
“See, I lost my copy of Dr. T.V. Cash’s Prosperity Bible at the airport between Prosperity conferences. I found another version of the Bible without his notes and highlights and was shocked to read it without his interpretations. Would believe there is more to serving God than just getting rich?” asked the incredulous preacher.
Suddenly, in preaching mode, he shouted, “See, if Jesus is coming back, then you can make a comeback… oh, sorry. We had to memorize T.V. Cash’s 1001 Clichés For Prosperity Preaching. Very sorry. I am still trying to detox my brain and relearn the Scripture. I preached false doctrine for so long my brain turned to mush.”
Brother Pumpkin said, “I taught that all men are winners when the truth is all men are sinners in need of a Savior. Prosperity Preaching is really just a ponzi scheme where a few at the top get rich while the downlines get milked. The so-called Prosperity Gospel really is a scam. If you look at the character of the early Church, you won’t find any such message being preached.”
Brother Pumpkin vows “no more lip-synching” and has been removed from the preferred Prosperity preacher list at The Blasphemy Network on charges of “backsliding.” He now covets your prayers, not your money.
Bryan Hupperts © 2008
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Comments
By SAE on January 21st, 2009 at 8:32 am
If this is an example of your deep thinking, were all in for a short ride. What is “The Blasphemy Network?” And who really is this Brother Pumpkin? Not all people are familiar with you acronyms. It would help to know this. It seems you have problems with certain theological schools of thought. Perhaps you could outline your theological beliefs so we could understand?