Unholy

Faingoth, a noted New Age writer and motivational speaker who penned pagan classics like, How To Fleshfeed Your Inner Zombie and Voodoo: How To Pin Friends and Demonize People, is outraged. “My daughter is scared for life, scared I tell you,” said the distraught Gaia worshipper. She claims that when her 4 year old daughter Succubus lost a round of Cannibaland to her brother Incubus, she went postal and bit, Vampire style, into the neck of her Dusty the Demon Doll and it suddenly wheezed out the terrifying message, “Jesus is Lord.”

“Can you believe it? How dare they blaspheme the Winter Solstice with such pious drivel?” demanded Faingoth. “Think of the children.”

Manufacturers of Dusty the Demon Doll apologized profusely to all unbelievers and suggested on their website that one of the own, “a formerly trusted employee,” had apostatized away from the true faith in the Horned One. They suspect she may have sabotaged the dolls to spread her new message of “Christian hate.” They promise that their spell casters are working on a death chant for her even now.

“That so-called malfunctioning doll spoke the ultimate curse to my babies. If there is to be any cursing done in my house, it will be done the old fashioned way; with knives, votive candles and blood sacrifice by moonlight,” said the infidel suburban mom. “And what my inner goddess can’t bleed dry, my attorney can.”

Faingoth said she stomped on the cursed doll in Lucifer’s name and threw it in the trash. “I thought about burning it but that’s just bad mojo among witches,” she said with a shudder. Apparently, she damaged the audio chip within the doll because for 3 days the same haunting message kept echoing from the trash can: Jesus is Lord.

“For this Winter Solstice, there will be no dolls under our evergreen Unity Tree. I am getting my little heathens a nice, safe game of Snakes & Stakes, the Vampire Game of Bloodlust.”

Blair Faingoth is available for motivational conferences and impalings.

Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools. Romans 1:22

Bryan Hupperts (c) 2008

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