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By bryan • on December 29, 2008

Though I am a lop-eared American of Irish descent, my wife is Chinese so we naturally celebrate Chinese New Year. She disdains the Chinese zodiac and superstitious traditions like sweeping the bad luck out of her house, but she loves the food, the frolicking, and the dancing. Still, as the real New Year rolls around, Amy Tan novels begin appearing mysteriously in the bathroom. Almond Cookies, Moon Cakes, and fresh orange slices make their way to the dinner table, and we start putting raw ginseng root in our tea.

According to the Chinese calendar, I was born in the Year of the Tiger, which beats being born in the Year of the Monkey. According to Chinese astrology, we Tigers are incompatible with the year of the Big Game Hunter. What? You never heard of the Year of the Big Game Hunter? That’s one of the 12 official signs according to the Southern Redneck Zodiac.

Year of the Beer Can, Year of the Rusty Chevy, and my personal favorite, Year of Smith & Wesson can all be found in the Southern Rednecks Guide to the Zodiac. But what if you’re not a Redneck? Suppose you’re a - gasp - non-country musician?

How’s The Year of the Bongo for you? Or the Year of the Tuba, which has to be the last in the cycle as tubas are always situated in the rear anyway. Technically, according to the Musician’s Zodiac, I was conceived in the Year of the Mesa Boogie Amp, but born in the Year of the Stratocaster. Perhaps these conflicting signs are the reason I have so much feedback in my clanging life.

But what if you’re an Islamic “Let’s Kill Americans” Fundamentalist? Would the Year of the Falling Towers suit you followed quickly by the Year of the Exterminated Terrorists? Perhaps the Year of Murdering in the Holy Name of the All Merciful & All Mighty? OK, that one makes no sense, but neither does using yourself as a detonator. Perhaps we could add Year of the Grease Spot for those heroic Islamic martyrs – BOOM! - who went straight to Allah after murdering innocent men, women, and children. Sadly for them, Allah isn’t God, so following these signs will only get you eternally lost.

But what if you’re a communist in China? While it’s always the Year of the Party, perhaps we could add the Year of Forced Abortions followed by the Year of Most Favored Nations Status. Apparently the two have nothing to do with each other. Still, we could add the Year of the Gullible American Congress to the lineup. I mean, China practically celebrates that one every day. At least they cancelled the Year of the Pay Me Off First President. The highest office in the land is no longer for sale to the highest foreign bidder, though domestic oil companies might be another story. We’ll see.

What if you’re an Wall Street ex-employee trying to make sense out of your chaotic, collapsing universe? Perhaps the Year of Creative Accounting follows the Year of 10 to 20 (as in sentencing years for allegedly corruption). Would the Year of the Deflated 201k immediately follow the Year of the Overvalued 401k? Of course, according to the Wall Street Zodiac, the Apocalypse has already occurred, so more years are doubtful.

Let’s not forget you technophiles. We all gladly join in and celebrate with you the Year of the Geek, Year of the Dead IPO, and yet another Year of Not Meeting Beautiful Women Again – billionaire software magnates excluded. Now, off with you; back to your cubicles, frozen dinners, and Star Trek conventions. On behalf of we, the grateful computer end users, thanks for spell check, Snood, and not retaliating to this rant with a nasty computer virus.

In Memphis, Tennessee, it’s always the Year of the King. Their Elvis Zodiac includes the Year of Blue Suede Shoes, Year of the Hound Dog, and the Year of the Gyrating Pelvis. And yes, you can purchase a copy of the complete Elvis Zodiac – not available in stores! - with never before seen Elvis childhood pictures from any Beale Street vendor.

Seriously, should we look to the astral movements of the sun, moon, and stars to guide our lives, or to the One who made them? There is only one kind of year worth living for, the Favorable Year of the Lord. Any other sign is a one-way ticket down the wrong road to destruction.

Isaiah 7:14, “Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel (meaning God is with Us).” So when people ask you, “What’s your sign, baby?” ignore your horoscope. Just tell them, “The cross of Christ.” If you choose to live by any other sign, your sign is the Year of Living Dangerously.

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