Greenhouse
Creating Greenhouse gasses
(Editor’s Note: If you’re easily offended, you might want to skip this one!)
Rev. Red Welts of the Only Right Church in Petty, Kansas, known for protesting at the funerals of American soldiers killed in action, is raising a public stink of apocalyptic portions again over, of all things, Greenhouse gases; Larry Greenhouses’ gasses to be precise.
Welts is outraged that Greenhouse, a big framed construction worker, walked up to the front of his church, bent over, and emitted what he termed “the smell of Hell” in his church. “People fell out, but not under the power,” said a rueful Welts.
Said the embarrassed Greenhouse, “Look. I was invited to church. It was pretty kooky with all the yelling and hollering about demon-crats, women in pants, and other such abominations, but I was really wanting to find God. At the end of his 3 hour message Rev. Welts invited anyone who wanted to know God to come up front to pray.”
The end was nearer than Welts believed.
According to Welt’s website, “Mr. Greenhouse aimed his portly backside at the frozen chosen and ripped one that sounded like a wet mockery of the Last Trumpet. We thought we had an honest sinner come to repent at our altar. Nope. Instead of the glory, we got a noxious face full of The Big Stinky.”
Greenhouse says, “All I did was bend and kneel – and peeled the paint. How many times can I apologize? It was an accident. This God guy simply will not forgive me. See, I had been at the ballgame the night before sucking down beer and brats. If I had known the mother of all fanny bubbles was about to burst, I’d have had a long wooden match handy. I stepped on the proverbial duck. Sorry. It was an accident, not an insult.”
He added wryly, “At least someone got to pray. Everyone was saying, ‘Oh, dear God,’ and such.”
Rev. Welts, known neither for a sense of humor or proportion, said, “All this media hype about Greenhouse gasses was a conspiracy. A conspiracy! We were seeking the wind of the Spirit and Satan sent the winds of Hell! I will not be made a fool of.”
While his rant is too long and bizarre to quote, here is a snippet from his next sermon. “Since we can no longer protest in righteous anger at the funerals of godless servicemen killed in action in defense of their country, we have decided to protest Greenhouse gas emissions, all Greenhouse gas emissions. Since, next to overweight construction workers, cows are the worst flatulators on the planet, I have launched our new holy crusade: Cork-A-Cow-For-Christ.”
Welts believes he is being persecuted for righteousness’ sake. When asked if he ever ripped any cornhole cologne of is own, he clamed he alone was sanctified, sealed by grace. No cork was necessary. Critics maintain that for the first time in his ministry, Welts may be rightly using his head.
Three church members, now known as Corkers, have since been martyred by raging bulls for their tireless missionary efforts.
The church now sports a new logo featuring a cross over a cork. Members of the Only Right Church in Petty, Kansas are now said to walk funny, a bit side to side as if they were - obstructed.
The Bible commands that we love the lost, each other, our neighbors, our enemies; that’s pretty much everyone. When we confuse hate with love, we cease being disciples of Jesus Christ and construct a god of our own dark imaginations. Instead of preaching the Good News that “God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself”, we begin protesting funerals, mocking the grieving, and missing out on the grace of God.
As for Greenhouse, he went back to the brats and beer. He said, “If that’s Christianity, no thanks. I’ll take the Yankees.”
Please, nobody say Amen.
Bryan Hupperts © 2008 - 2009
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Comments
By Paul Gamblin on January 13th, 2009 at 7:49 am
That’s exactly the result I believe was happening when that church was protesting funerals and such. Instead of winning souls for Christ, they were driving souls away. No one wants to worship a God who would do this. And the one true God doesn’t. Yes, He is holy, yes He is just, and no He cannot allow sin in His presence. But He is also a God of love Who could not stand the thought of His creation being separated from Him forever, so He made a way through Christ to satisfy justice and allow mercy to those who would accept His free gift of salvation.
God’s justice, God’s holiness, and God’s punishment for sin needs to be preached. But so does God’s love, because without God’s love, there is no salvation. Jesus’ death on the cross proved His absolute love for all of us, and it’s a shame that so many people reject that. We can receive forgiveness for our sins and stand before God justified, as if we had never sinned, by simply believing that Jesus is who He said He is and did what the Bible said He did, and by receiving His free gift by faith.
By Bryan on February 5th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Fred Phelps has made a mockery of the Gospel so I penned this for him and sent it to him. Alas, no reply. God loves fags; he hates sin in any form because it violates his character and he knows it will finally, eternally, kill us. It’s hard to share the Good News while being a jerk.
Ya know Fred, it’s hard for a whore to tell her lover to repent. Ponder that.