Out
Reality TV shows are all the rage these days. We have Big Brother, Survivor, and The Osborne’s. It’s time the church responded to this trend. I suggest my pilot TV program titled Out of the Gospel Ghetto.
The premise is simple. We recruit a clan of deeply entrenched Christians from the Gospel Ghetto, sometimes known as the comfortable church subculture, and place them in situations where they have to interact with real live sinners. Can you just imagine the hilarity?
There’s Ole’ Uncle Huck who stirs at the word money. He’s the patriarch of the family. He made his millions during a recent end of the world scare selling survival handbooks, generators and frozen food supplies to hapless suburbanites. All sales were final. If there’s a new multi-level marketing pyramid scheme in town, Uncle Huck is sure to be leading the charge! He privately believes that “there’s one born again every minute.” His personalized license plate reads MONEY 1.
Then there’s Granny O’Wordie, bless her. She has the presumed gift of discernment and she can see every sin, real and imagined, in your life. She knows a demoniac when she meets one and trust me on this, you are one! Armed with her KJV 1611 Only, she can kill with the Word. Jezebel gets muttered frequently under the breath of those on the receiving end of her ministry. Granny has been mightily ‘used of God’ to close many a church.
And next, what to say about Nephew Pumpkin, the wannabe TV preacher? Pumpkin has an unnatural attraction to snakes, wears his hair in a bouffant, and is noted for frequently misquoting Scripture. Enuff said.
Finally, we have the sweet niece, Norma L. She met Jesus while very young, and loves him dearly. She is beautiful, but dresses modestly. She worked her way through nursing school and hopes to meet a man who loves God as passionately as she does. She frequently volunteers at a free clinic in the inner city and has secret ambitions to be a medical missionary. She gives money to the poor. Always praying, her relatives find her kind of strange. At least animals like her.
The series premise is straightforward. Our clan isn’t allowed to watch TBN, listen to Christian radio, tapes, or sneak off to Southern Gospel concerts for a “faith fix”. They have to wear normal clothes, and while they are allowed to visit churches on Sunday, they cannot go to their home church or denomination. They have to work real jobs, shop at non-Christian grocery stores, and play on a sports team with all non-Christians! And no sneak peaks at SheepTrax over the Internet! They go cold turkey straight into the world.
To make it interesting, we will provide them all with a Christian-Sinner, Sinner-Christian dictionary (Normal L. doesn’t use it because she speaks the language of love, which covers a multitude of sins anyway) to help them communicate with outsiders. See the ensuing hilarity as Cousin Pumpkin tries to get the keys to a gas station bathroom while using his dictionary: “May I… what’s up homie?… uh, the key… Sistas are doin’ it right!, err, your facilities, bless God?!”
For laughs, we’ll send Mormon missionaries to their door and watch via hidden camera as the theological sparks fly! Ole’ Uncle Huck will see the marketing potential in working with these boys because they really do visit every house in town. Granny O’Wordie will duel valiantly clanging and swinging the Sword of the Word till she draws blood. Cousin Pumpkin will try to get a preaching gig at the local Temple – their common ground being that the Temple services are now televised! Meanwhile, Norma L. will serve them lemonade, listen quietly, and then begin telling them of the real Jesus who died for their sins. (She eventually leads one of them to Christ, secretly pays his way through Bible College, and marries him!).
Out of the Gospel Ghetto is sure to be a hit. Of course, just imagine if the church actually did leave the Christian Ghetto and began interacting with the fallen world. Ole’ Uncle Huck would end up with a prison ministry - while serving time for fraud. Granny O’Wordie would eventually be medicated by court decree and quietly retired to a controlled community where she could no longer harm others and would soon develop a passion for Bingo. Cousin Pumpkin would get a TV spin-off show in the spirit of The Crocodile Hunter called The Snake Handler. And Norma L. would turn the world upside down for Jesus with her quiet revolution of love and simple Gospel of Grace.
Stay tuned. Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?
Bryan Hupperts © 2002 - 2009
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