Mummies
(Reprinted from Newspeak Week Magazine - 3012 AD)
The Oscar Idol
As the oceans are finally receding due to global cooling, archeologists have uncovered a valley of kings from a massive civilization on the recently un-submerged West coast of the Northern Americas. What has scientists so excited is that they believe many of these individuals were embalmed while alive!
According to the dig director, Dr. Riley Benn Hustled, “Some of these crypts rival those of ancient Egypt for sheer grandeur. Who were these people? Who was the illustrious Holly Wood they all seemed to serve? Why was the Oscar idol so significant? Judging by the tomb dates, there were many kings and queens ruling and reigning at the same time, vying for lordship. It makes no sense.”
Hustled said, pointing out the tomb of a matriarch (with sir name missing), “When we opened her crypt, she looked lifelike, regal, as if she were merely sleeping waiting to open her eyes. Her body was filled with a sort of polymer, an oil based substance called plastic, apparently while she was alive. It has preserved her almost perfectly.”
He speculated that the dark lady was preserved in such a way as to keep her remains safe from gypsies, tramps, and thieves. Inconclusive preliminary autopsy findings suggest she may have died of silicon toxicity.
This vast find will take years to excavate. What is known, besides an undying allegiance to the still unexplained Holly Wood, is that these royal ones worshiped a mysterious god named Self whom they apparently recast at will into their own various images.
“Pagan religions can be difficult to understand,” laughed Dr. Hustled, “A religion devoted to the idol of Self? How bizarre! Some of these people apparently even believed themselves to be, odd as this sounds, stars.”
Many were found labeled by their respective undertaker: Armani, Hilfiger, and others. What could this possible mean? Some were entombed with strange metallic discs with the lettering DVD or CD on them. What their religious significance was remains unclear. Do these represent a payment system to safely journey into the afterlife, a place it is believed they referred to as ReRuns?
Hustled said, “One of the strangest finds we’ve uncovered is the tomb of one named ’son of Jack’ whose gender, son or not, is not entirely clear. Obviously this person was embalmed while alive, especially in the facial area. We suspect that vandals changed the lettering on the tomb from Neverland to “Never-Again-Land.” Why? And what does the inscription, “Be careful who you love” mean? Why was this individual wearing only one glove? It’s very confusing.”
The tombs of ancient Holly Wood are being exhumed and scientists hope that we will one day better understand their culture, idols, and their bizarre fixation on Self.
Bryan Hupperts © 2009
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