Personalized
And just who is God to tell me how to behave anyway?
Joel O’Flesh, President of It’s All About You Marketing, had a brainstorm. His ex-wife suggested that going to church would change his life like it did hers so, hoping to change his alimony payments, he went.
“It was a revelation,” he said after hearing an evangelist suggest he replace the words “You” in the Bible with your own name so that the message would become personal. “I thought, ‘Why Not?’” said the genius marketer.
With digital on-demand printing now a reality, O’Flesh realized that he could print custom Bibles with peoples names substituted for Bible characters. He had a software company design an algorithm to replace key words with the potential buyer’s name thus personalizing the Bible. For a mere $299.00 love offering, the Bible written for you, to you, would be delivered in 2 weeks or less – in time for the holidays.
Said O’Flesh, “You would think reading, ‘Sarah is patient, Sarah is kind, Sarah is gentle,’ would be inspiring to Sarah. I didn’t take into account sinful human nature,” said the frustrated, now humbled, super salesman.
It turns out client Sarah was anything but loving. Sister Sarah complained in official court documents that The Personalized Bible made her feel “ashamed” of her relationship with her married boyfriend.
She said, “The Bible is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. Doesn’t anyone listen to Robert Schuller’s Hour of Power? All that conviction and guilt can’t be good for people,” she said noting that God is a God of love and who she sleeps with is none of His bloody business. “The so-called Personalized Bible is as offensive as Hell,” she said.
O’Flesh explains his dilemma. “The Gospel is an offensive message – You, sinner. God, holy - Repent and live his way. It counters the biggest lie in both the world and the church, namely, that you can live independently of God. And while many church goers are willing to die for the truth of the Bible, not one in 10 are actually willing to put those truths into personal practice. My Personalized Bible underscored that to people who, though they may have been in church for years, never really read, nor became a doer, a practitioner, of the words of Scripture.”
O’Flesh also noted that many seemed especially oblivious about the New Testament admonition not to take your brother to court. Many professing Christians, offended at the personal nature of his Personalized Bible, have taken a vow of poverty; specifically a vow to bankrupt the fuddled Bible salesman into poverty.
O’Flesh’s idea was to instead of just getting your name engraved in gold letters on the cover; put their names in the passages so it would be a book written from God to you. And it backfired. Imagine reading: Joel, stop coveting. Bob, stop slandering. Bryan, walk in forgiveness. Jenni, stop loving this present world system. Sandi, render unto God what is Gods and please quit dressing like a tart.
Said a rueful O’Flesh, “People got offended- offended!- when they realized that God was actually talking to them about themselves!”
O’Flesh observed that professing Christians generally love truth as long as it is about someone else. ”If there’s anything needed in today’s “oooh, lookie, a shiny thingie in the Spirit,” Biblically illiterate church, it’s for professing Christians to get to know their God through the revelation of His Word.”
O’Flesh said, “I feel like I’ve started a reformation, like Martin Luther. Only I didn’t nail truths to a church door. I nailed them into people’s hearts – and most don’t like it.”
Now thoroughly converted O’Flesh, who is happily engaged to his ex-wife, is having his name legally changed to O’Faith and is also changing the name of his reorganized company, now non-profit, to It’s All About Him Marketing. His Personalized Bibles now come with this disclaimer on the inside cover:
WARNIING: This book is a mirror to show you your true self, a sword to pierce and convict you of Truth, and a map to show the ONLY way to know God. Be ready to read and respond. Don’t say the Watchman didn’t warn you!
Bryan Hupperts © 2009
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Comments
By Carolyn on February 5th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Enjoyed reading this article. It is bold, tongue-in-cheek writing that is proclaiming the truth. I like your writing style!
Carolyn
By Deborah on February 7th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
dear bryan,
just wanted you to know that i find your “humor” to the point, true, sobering, and frightening apart from the peace of God. it IS as you have portrayed it here. may the LORD have mercy on us.
love
dl