Banning
Scarlett O'Harlot
Scarlett O’Harlot, high priestess of the End Time Church of the Seven Hills, has issued a decree to the unifying global church: Stop reading the Manual.
The Manual is, of course, the Bible.
“Do you really need to understand the intricacies of computer programming and hardware to repair a malfunctioning computer? Of course not! That’s what professional engineers are for. Why waste precious time pondering ancient writings that the average layperson is neither trained nor competent to understand? Leave the mysteries of faith to us professionals,” said O’Harlot.
From her opulent broadcasting offices at both 173 and 174 Revelation Avenue, O’Harlot stressed the need to return to the basics of the ancient faith: a belief in a supreme higher power, financial support of the global church, and unquestioning submission to chosen spiritual authority.
In her weekly Internet address, she sweetly asked, “Why would anyone want to read the so-called Manual on their own? It’s brought nothing but confusion and division to people of faith. Though it’s full of error and contradiction, while not Inspired, it is inspiring. That’s why professional clergy provide prescribed weekly readings of select verses along with inspirational thoughts to feed our inner god. Why go beyond with what is merely written?”
“Who needs the Bible when we have the mystics to guide us to deeper truth?” asks End Time Church of the Seven Hills spokesman Rev. Neo Gnostic. “The truly spiritual, the truly enlightened, will choose the higher way of the mystics. As for those lowlife so-called Word-Eaters, let them feast on dust!”
Scarlett O’Harlot, Keeper of Mysteries, has been a guiding force for the global church. For conversion, she promises peace and safety and offers the privilege for the worthy few to ascend the mount and be a god. All was well when suddenly the holy writ hit the fan.
After a recent broadcast, the video and microphone were accidently left on providing a shocking behind-the-scenes peek into the workings of the global church. After giving her blessing and familiar benediction, “Be still and know you are a god,” Scarlet O’Harlot’s other face was revealed.
Amid a flurry of background yelling and profanity, (O’Hare had moved away from the microphone) a few revealing snippets were gleaned as to the real agenda of the End Time Church of the Seven Hills.
Though the message was garbled, she was distinctly overheard ordering the construction of guillotines as a gift to jihadist friends who have long practiced beheading so that they may deal with “the uprising of the unfaithful” who are backsliding, i.e., reverting to Bible readings, unauthorized prayer meetings and outlawed evangelistic efforts, as well as Jews, and all other “undesirables.”
Vampire enthusiasts have a web buzz running suggesting that Scarlet O’Harlot is secretly one of their own based on her opening off-mike incantation. She entreated “the horned one” that her cup might overflow with “blood wine.”
Later, nervous marketing people made helpful suggestions; perhaps change her name to something friendly. Since we all have god within, they reasoned, it was suggested she start calling herself Miss Terry Babylon or perhaps Auntie Christ.
One particular phrase thundered by Scarlet O”Harlot herself was so loud it was heard with distinction: “Damn The Manual! (some think she said Emmanuel). I’ll (sic) burn them all.”
Either she raised her goblet and toasted the coming New World Order or the coming No World Order, we’re not sure which, one thing is frighteningly clear: the sweet, spiritual sounding Scarlet O’Harlot is, in truth, a demonic diva bent of deceiving the whole world.
Underground saints, those who have come out of the global church, are particularly concerned about a soon coming vowed visit by someone or something code-named: Mark Beast. Word is spreading not to receive him no matter the price.
Revelation 17:5-6, “This title was written on her forehead: MYSTERY BABYLON THE GREAT THE MOTHER OF PROSTITUTES AND OF THE ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. I saw that the woman was drunk with the blood of the saints, the blood of those who bore testimony to Jesus.”
For those faithful to God, the message is clear: Scarlett O’Harlot and the End Time Church of the Seven Hills are the Great Prostitute of Revelation 17, the apostate church system. Come out of her - while you still can.
Art by Pat Marvenko Smith, copyright 1982/1992 www.revelationillustrated.com
Bryan Hupperts (c) 2008 - 2009
www.sheeptrax.com/xpress
This material maybe forwarded without cost provided the copyright and contact information remains intact. For knowing more about Jesus, radio interviews (I’m an ex-DJ) or, to subscribe to this once a week tabloid, contact bhupperts@sheeptrax.com
Christian satire, religious humor, pop culture parables, sermon illustrations, or snarky wit - call us what you will, we’re original.
SheepTrax Xpress: It’s not the News, It’s the Truth!
Comments
By Ann Witham on March 4th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Brian,
You have outdone yourself with this one. It would be really funny were it not so true. I grieve over those in my family and countless others who consider themselves Christians that are members of this apostate church of the seven hills (rome)
Ann