Tonguezilla!

Maybe it was the pizza, maybe not, but I had the craziest dream.

It was set like a 1950s B horror film. Remember The Blob, The Thing, Creature From The Black Lagoon? I had a scary dream about a fierce creature, a thing, a monster so hideous, so destructive it seemed able to set the world on fire.

Set to the sound of a woman shrieking a piercing scream, the fear was palpable as I heard the unrelenting pounding thud of the approach of a hideous monster rising from the shroud of an eerie mist.

The army had been called out and bravely tried to shoot the creature but alas, to no avail. Tanks were crushed till the order to fall back was shouted. The air force attacked but planes were neutralized was alone fling of drool. The beast seemed unstoppable. And then the clouds broke and I saw it in its hideous glory:

Tonguezilla!

It was a roving tongue that had escaped its owner’s mouth.  It would stop and wag itself furiously giving anyone and anything a brutal tongue-lashing! Tonguezilla was on a mindless rampage and we seemed defenseless, as we were unable to stop it from releasing its relentless reign of death.

All means of forces were exhausted. And the tongue-lashing continued wrecking havoc on the landscape for who could escape the madness, the unbridled fury of Tonguezilla?

Tonguezilla was a terror, a mindless beast capable of tongue-tying all in its path. It had to be stopped, but how? How do you tame the terrifying Tonguezilla?

And in a movement of inspiration born of desperation, I yelled out, “There is but one way to stop Tonguezilla. We have to corral it back into its owner’s mouth. Only if that mouth will stay shut - opening only in wisdom to speak life - only then can we cage the mighty Tonguezilla!”

And I woke up.

Jesus said, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,” Matthew 12:34. According to Proverbs 18:21, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” In James 3:6, the Bible describes an untamed tongue as “a fire, a world of iniquity“. Two verses later it is even called a “deadly poison.”

The Bible describes many kinds of tongues: lying, flattering, proud, tale bearing, and cursing. As self-control is part of the fruit of the Spirit, we each need to learn to tame this inner monster.

“Like a club and a sword and a sharp arrow is a man who bears false witness against his neighbor,” Proverbs 15: 18. A club can injure up close, a sword a bit further, and a sharp arrow can injure from afar. The tongue can inflict great damage or it can speak forth healing words of life.

Does your tongue speak forth words of life, or wreck havoc with words of death?

“For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.” (James 3:2)

Bryan Hupperts © 2009

www.sheeptrax.com/xpress
This material maybe forwarded without cost provided the copyright and contact information remains intact. For knowing more about Jesus, radio interviews or to subscribe to this once a week tabloid, contact bhupperts@sheeptrax.com

Religious humor and satire, Christian storytelling, pop culture parables, sermon illustrations, or snarky wit - call us what you will, we’re original.

SheepTrax Xpress: It’s not the News, It’s the Truth!

It is debated ad nauseaum what the marks of an apostle are: Jesus personally called them, they have seen the risen Lord with their own eyes, they (with prophets) lay the foundations of the church. I maintain that the true marks of an apostle are on his back - and if they’re not, one day they will be. Apostleship is a call to sacrifice and suffering for the glory of God.

Having established my own view on this, I thought it wise to pen the resume of an apostle. With so many competitive voices clamoring, making so many claims, we need a standard lest we be deceived.

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SEEKING EMPLOYMENT: Apostle to the nations, foundation of the church, divine governmental voice on earth.

WORK EXPERIENCE: I was personally called by Jesus to be his witness to the uttermost parts of the earth.  Expert in Ministry Administration with emphasis in Finance. Successful fundraiser. Cast out devils, healed the sick, preached the Kingdom of God. Personally negotiated with hostile ministry forces for the purchase of land. Nearly 3 years of discipleship training with ministry practicum: did not complete my degree nor attend my graduation due to personal issues.

INTERPERSONAL SKILLS: I excel in the ability to understand, and sympathize with, opponents. My negotiation skills are remarkable in multi-class struggles. I am comfortable working with High Church members as well as the laity. I can clearly see both sides of any issue.

HONORS: Worked miracles, personal friendship with the Savior of humanity, minored in geopolitical struggles of oppressed minority classes. I have a global reputation and have become a household name in the church world.

BENEFITS PACKAGE REQUIREMENT: Payment in cash only, thanks.

REFERENCES: None provided. Who would dare question me?

Contact: HeyJudas666@hotmail.com for further information.

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Did you run a reference check on this apostle? Try these titles in the Scripture to resolve his identity:

The Thief

Son of Perdition

One possessed by the devil

Judas Iscariot, who betrayed Him.

Did I mention the Scripture also says, in Acts 1:25, that Judas’ Apostleship was stripped from him and given to another?

With so many voices making so many claims, perhaps it would be wise to read between the lines. The hallmark of the Last Days is Deception. There are many ministry resumes floating about that don’t tell the entire story, and, just because you were personally called by Jesus, it doesn’t necessarily mean you were finally chosen in the final cut. Indeed, many are called, but few are chosen.

The Scriptures admonished us in 2 Corinthians 13:12, “Greet one another with a holy kiss.” As illustrated in the case of Judas, some kisses are less holy than others. The watermark of an apostle is self-sacrificing service for the glory of God. Anything else is rooted in deception.

The next time the media trumpets sound hailing the arrival of apostle so and so, be wise before buying. It could very well be true and, if so, the Kingdom of God will surely advance! May this exhortation from the lips of Jesus be spoken of the Last Days church. Revelation 2:2, “I know your works, your labor, your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars.”

Bryan Hupperts © 2001 -2009

www.sheeptrax.com/xpress
This material maybe forwarded without cost provided the copyright and contact information remains intact. For knowing more about Jesus, radio interviews or to subscribe to this once a week tabloid, contact bhupperts@sheeptrax.com

Religious humor and satire, Christian storytelling, pop culture parables, sermon illustrations, or snarky wit - call us what you will, we’re original.

SheepTrax Xpress: It’s not the News, It’s the Truth!

Looking forward to that performance review?

If there is anything in the business world that generates more unneeded tension than the boss suddenly promoting his new, under qualified girlfriend to be your supervisor, it is the dreaded annual employee review.

An employee review is when your boss, holding your fate in his sweaty hand, sits down with you and measures your performance and production against expectation and goals. The anxious dread of such an interview has driven people to suddenly resign, to drink, and in a few tragic instances, to suicide. The thought of giving an honest account for ourselves can be terrifying.

In our Everyone-is-a-Winner and blessed Tolerance-is-the-Supreme-Virtue oriented society, we don’t generally know how to receive constructive criticism. Not understanding how to successfully win and lose in life makes for relationally retarded, ill-adjusted, neurotic adults.

Sadly, not all criticism is constructive. Here are a few quotes from frustrated managers taken from the pages of employee reviews done at a major US Corporation:

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…..and has started to dig.
• His men would follow him anywhere, ……. but only out of morbid curiosity.
• I would not allow this employee to breed.
• Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier
• It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.
• The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Reviews are the staple of life. If it’s a driving test, cooking a meal, or succeeding in marriage, sooner or later we are called to give an account for our performance that lays our lives open for scrutiny and review. WhyGodWhy? seems the preferred mantra of Job, my personal patron saint, yet he also posed other more chilling questions in (NIV) Job 31:14. “What will I do when God confronts me? What will I answer when called to account?”

As a manager, I used to dread employee reviews more than my employees until I learned that if anything I brought up during the review process was a surprise to my employees, somewhere along the way I did not do my job. There should be no surprises if I have fully set forth my expectations, reasonable goals and objectives. As God is the CEO of Creation, would he be any less fair-minded?

God placed an innate knowledge, a witness of Himself, in the very fabric of Creation. While our minds may babble countless conflicting philosophies, our hearts intuit eternity. Even the godless know there is Something Out There. And Yes, there is an accounting coming when we will each face the fulfillment of Jobs’ dreaded question.

God confronted humanity at the Cross. If we believe, we are then sealed and forgiven by the shed blood of Christ. According to Colossians 2:14, “Having wiped out the handwriting of requirements (writ of offenses) that was against us, which was contrary to us. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.” If we reject this freely given offer of payment for our offenses, we then stand in devilish rank with the unforgiven, utterly and eternally condemned.

How shall we answer his call to account for our lives? By pointing to Jesus, the Lamb slain before the foundation of the world, as our perfect sacrifice. Point to his cross, to his blood, and profess your faith in his death and resurrection as perfect payment for the writ of offenses that spoke against us. By the shed blood of Jesus, God is wonderfully for us, so who can speak against us?

Christians, those who already forgiven and secure in the faith, will also an additional review at the Judgment Seat of Christ where we will give an account for how we lived out the Gospel we received with joy. There should be no surprises on this day for all that God requires he has set forth in his Word, yet it will be a day of grieving and weeping over what could have been for those who did not fully follow hard after the Lamb wherever he goes.

Will you be one of those who causes grief to the Master Reviewer, or will your Final Review be a source of joy to God where he can say, as in Matthew 25:23, “Well done, good and faithful servant (what a great performance review!)… Enter into the joy of your Lord!?”

Bryan Hupperts © 2003 -2009

This material maybe forwarded without cost provided the copyright and contact information remains intact. For knowing more about Jesus, radio interviews or to subscribe to this once a week tabloid, contact bhupperts@sheeptrax.com

Religious humor and satire, Christian storytelling, pop culture parables, sermon illustrations, or snarky wit - call us what you will, we’re original.

SheepTrax Xpress: It’s not the News, It’s the Truth!

Jesus exalted childlike qualities stating, in Luke 18:17, “Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” Childlike, however, is far from being childish.

While giving my nut-brown once baby girl a bubble bath, she began to squeal as the suds swirled down the open drain, “Lift me out! Lift me out! Hurry Daddy, or I’ll get sucked down the drain!” I swooped her up in her bath towel rescuing her from the fate of the bye-bye bubbles grinning to myself. One day I am going to ask her to stay in the tub as all the water drains away to make her understand she won’t be “sucked down the drain,” but for today, I am content to be her hero. Her fear of going down the drain is certainly childish, but her faith that I will protect her is childlike.

My kids have taught me much concerning the kingdom of God. I used to dress both of my offspring, but my now maturing son insists on picking out his own clothes, you know, the “cool” ones. I suppose clashing plaids and stripes might actually be cool these days, but I told him if I ever saw him shuffling about with his underwear hanging out of the back of his pants, I will retaliate with Daddy’s corrective prerogative, the Atomic Wedgie.

My daughter, thankfully, loves my attention, and adores having her hair brushed, “Please be gentle, Daddy.” She likes my taste in her clothes and coos, snuggling up close when I dress her. We have a morning ritual that consists of a spill-proof cup of strawberry milk, playing Big Lump under the sheets, and bathing and dressing. During this madcap hour, I always quote a Bible verse to her until she can quote it back to me. It surprised me to learn that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the knife, but hey, we’re making progress.

Recently, I taught her that Jesus is the Lamb of God. The next day I asked her who Jesus was and she replied. “He’s the Big Sheep, Daddy, and I’m the little lamb!”

The Big Sheep? Little lamb?

Uh, yeah, actually he is the Big Sheep. Come to think of it, she is the little lamb, too. Since Christ is the Head of the church, I’d say she grasped the reality of his Lordship rather well.

When I worship the Lord, I now address him as the Lion of the Tribe of Judah, the Bright and Morning Star, the Son of David, the Messiah, and, added to His impressive list of titles, I now bow before my Savior worshipping him as the Big Sheep.

Perhaps I am being a bit childish, but the description fits perfectly. Then again, perhaps I am simply loving God in childlike simplicity. Though I am a burly middle-aged man, I kind of like the thought of being his little lamb. Big sheep, little sheep; however you phrase it, I am the beloved child of the King. As he is also the Great Physician, perhaps I should open my mouth in worship and say, “Baaaaaaaaaaah!”

Bryan Hupperts © 2001 -2009

www.sheeptrax.com/xpress
This material maybe forwarded without cost provided the copyright and contact information remains intact. For knowing more about Jesus, radio interviews or to subscribe to this once a week tabloid, contact bhupperts@sheeptrax.com

Religious humor and satire, Christian storytelling, pop culture parables, sermon illustrations, or snarky wit - call us what you will, we’re original.

SheepTrax Xpress: It’s not the News, It’s the Truth!

Under my brother’s expert guide, David began to catch fish - lot of fish. I pinched the worms in halves, baited the hooks while David learned to cast. My brother showed him where the fish were probably going to bite. David threw his line in and had caught, of all things, a crawfish. That lobster wannabe was hanging on his line looking surprised and freakishly angry. We wisely let it go. In no time at all David had caught 7 fish.

David was beginning to bask in his own glory and prowess as a fisherman and I thought it best to rein him in a bit. I told him, “It’s not how many fish you’re caught that’s important David. What’s important is that we’re here together having fun.”

After all, Father knows best.

My son giggled, “Well, I’ve caught 7 fish and you’ve only caught one. I’m having seven times as much fun as you, Daddy!”

He’s only five, he’s only five, remain calm; he’s only five.

I had no rejoinder to offer him so I concentrated on catching fish. Somehow I suddenly found myself getting caught up in something evil - fleshly competition. I bagged 2 more fish with that little snicker of his ringing like a gong in my head.

After a few minutes my bruised fatherly ego began to heal and my carnal competitive streak was put down, and I thought, “This is too stupid.” We had a fishing net with us and David has always wanted to catch a fish in it. I waited till I had another bite and cried out for David to grab the net ‘cause Moby was on the line. He “helped” me bring in a good-sized blue gill. I reeled it in and he snagged it in the net. He did a little victory dance on the dock holding our trophy. In that moment it was I who was having seven times the fun.

Teamwork healed the rift between us and we caught an extra fish. Of all the things that happened that hazy Saturday morning, the fish that we caught together was my favorite. He even gives me credit for helping him.

Perhaps the church can learn a lesson here. It is fun to bring in a great harvest. Indeed, the Father is glorified when we bear much fruit. It’s ugly when we get into fleshly competition with our brothers and sisters in the Lord’s work. True unity only happened on that fishing dock when we laid down our self-interest and labored together in common purpose - catching the fish.

Perhaps we the Body of Christ could all excel as fishers of men - once we first become lovers of men.

Bryan Hupperts © 1998 -2009

www.sheeptrax.com/xpress
This material maybe forwarded without cost provided the copyright and contact information remains intact. For knowing more about Jesus, radio interviews (I’m an ex-DJ) or, to subscribe to this once a week tabloid, contact bhupperts@sheeptrax.com

Religious humor and satire, Christian storytelling, pop culture parables, sermon illustrations, or snarky wit - call us what you will, we’re original.

SheepTrax Xpress: It’s not the News, It’s the Truth!